Off the beaten path...

Well I've had better days...

I had to go into Marlow this afternoon to sign some legal stuff, and not wanting to miss my weekly walk with The Mother, I suggested that I bring the dogs to her.  We could take them for a walk around the woods opposite her house, and she would then dogsit them for half an hour while I wielded a biro, pretending I knew what the hell I was signing and what for.  We had even worked out that a cup of tea could be squeezed in before I went. Now what it is that they say about 'the best laid plans of mice and men'?  Well, let's see...

The Mother and I have walked the path we chose many, many times before, and in all that time, the path has been surrounded by gently swaying stems of wheat or sweetcorn.  At no point have there ever been cows.  Until today...

These weren't just any old cows though.  These were beautiful Jersey cows probably weighing about a tonne each and who paid very little attention to us as we meandered by. I had been sensible and put Percy and Reg on their leads as Reg can be a little excitable when faced with any kind of animal.  In fact, seeing himself in the mirror is the equivalent of welcoming your child home after a first term at university, he's just so pleased to see himself.  Anyway, we walked past the cows and their open gate. Yes, you read correctly.  Their gate was wide open and propped thus by a whacking great rock.

The Mother and I kept looking behind us to make sure that the cows hadn't followed us, and after about ten minutes, I let the dogs off their leads again. Percy, who as you all know, is a right goody-two-shoes, took a sharp turn off the path towards the biggest cow pat I have ever seen.  Having given it a cursory sniff, he dropped into the middle of it and rolled from side to side until he was covered from ears to tail.  Reg, who I would have expected to have done this, merely stood next to the gyrating Percy, gently nibbling the side of the cow pat whilst muttering under his breath, 'You are going to be in so much trouble mate'.

Which is why, an hour later, I was sporting a pair of yellow Marigold gloves and had Percy pinned down on The Mother's lawn while I hosed him off with some cold water and washing up liquid. The Mother doesn't have dogs, so between us, we decided that the Red Cherry washing up liquid was probably the best choice.  The other options were Turtle Wax, Domestos, Finish dishwasher tablets and Swarfega so I think that we made the right decision. 

After ten minutes of manually peeling sun dried cow s**t from his collar and coat, Percy now smelt lovely, and Reg was sniffing him very appreciatively, having hidden behind The Mother's bench terrified that 'he would be next'.  Suitably mollified that it was only Percy getting the cold water dousing, Reg turned a bit giddy - I am assuming that this was relief, but it could have been that he overdosed on the Red Cherry as he was sniffing Percy's derriere (amongst other body parts).

I didn't like to tell the solicitor what I'd been doing ten minutes before getting to his office.  I'm not sure he would have given me such a firm handshake if he'd known.

Double handed too...