I headed over to Marlow for breakfast with Mrs Jangles yesterday. The Mother and Miss R were still away yesterday (throwing themselves down a snow covered mountain with only skinny poles to stop them attempting something Eddie the Eagle would be proud of) so it was a quiet one.
I got there early (yes, I know) but it was intentional. I had bought my first newspaper in goodness knows how many years, and fancied catching up with what was happening in our crazy world. Mind you, choosing a paper isn't as easy as it used to be. I no longer read the Daily Mail as it used to rile me to unfathomable heights of fury. I would often screw the paper up and use it on the fire before even getting to the middle pages. I'm neither important enough, old enough or bothered enough to read The Times, so I picked out a paper which from its title, implied that it was a sort of round up of the week's events. Perfect, just what I was after.
I had opened up the paper and had started reading all about Master Trump's latest foray into big boy stuff when Mrs Jangles texted me to tell me she'd be late. A tree had very thoughtlessly launched itself over her drive, and she was waiting for a man to come and cut a path through for her so she could get out.
Well this gave me lots of time to peruse the paper, but the thing which caught my eye first was the piece about the lettuce shortage. I would like to apologise for this, as the amount of lettuce I have eaten this week must surely have contributed to this leafy famine. But as I read the paper, feeling quite grown up, the nearer I got to the back pages, the sillier the adverts got. We started off well with diamonds and posh cars, and moved on to iron tablets and horse welfare in the Health Section (I'm not too sure how the horsey advert snuck in there - perhaps the editor does a bit of point-to-point at the weekend). By the time I got to the Entertainment section (cruises) and the television pages (begonias-no idea what the connection is there) we had peaked, falling into advert mayhem in the Sports pages with a mattress topper and a bird feeding station which claimed to be 100% squirrel proof (confession at this point - this looked quite interesting...)
There didn't seem to be much sense in the adverts, so here's what I would push and where...
News pages (Home) - Lie detectors, cheap beer, books on 'Beating the System'
News pages (Abroad) - Fake tan, AK47s, small gloves, meth
Health - Botox, fake nails and a three line ad for Resolve
Entertainment - Ant and Dec (whichever show they're currently doing)
Fashion - Primark, credit cards, vacuum knickers
Sports - Thermal wear, shooting sticks and the most recent PlayStation FIFA game
I changed my mind about the bird feeder though. There are no squirrels in my garden, thanks to the two ferocious dogs I share my house with.
Mind you, I may revisit the begonias....