It was a bit of a maelstrom of a day at my house yesterday. I had gone into a dizzy spin about the state of the house, my wardrobe, the cold sore on my lip, whether the dogs would behave, whether the husband would do as he was told and what the weather would be like on filming day.
As the day wore in, I gave myself a good talking to. After all, what could possibly go wrong? After some thought on this, here's my list of probables...
1. It will be so hot that I will spend the whole afternoon resembling a female wrestler with a Pifco handheld fan, knocking back the Red Clover like a mad woman.
2. The cold sore on my lip will have an eruption which Etna would struggle to better. It's a shame I didn't have a little more warning on this, as I could have grown and trained an upper lip moustache to cover it.
3. The husband will refuse to wear what I have laid out, and will sulk when I make him change out of the t-shirt which claims his parts are still in good working order despite being made in the 1960's. (I would like this to be a little more specific...for discussion purposes you understand).
4. Daughter number one will insist on showing her tan off with skimpy tops and white jeans, while I try and cover her up with a sensible cardigan. Sitting next to each other, we will look like a piano keyboard.
5. Daughter number two will reintroduce her university make up routine - false eyelashes, false eyebrows, fake nails and a possible spray tan, thus making us look like a family of gypsies without the big fat wedding.
6. Son number two will tip up, having completely forgotten what was planned, wearing a cheap singlet and a pair of ripped tracksuit bottoms, and moaning about his hair. He will then insist on an hour's full makeover, before appearing on camera. He has very high standards, you know...
7. Reg will refuse to leave the cameraman alone, swinging from his trouser leg while Percy will gaze at him with those 'They Never Feed Me' eyes.
8. The dogs, having taken a more than healthy interest in the cameraman, will then make off with his furry microphone and bury it in the garden, having had a good old play with it first. This will never be found again.
9. I will have some kind of wardrobe malfunction - probably involving a VPL through my jeans, or a knee high with loose elastic, puddling around my ankle (think Nora Batty). There is also the possibility of panda eyes through copious sweating and wild frizzy hair (the result of a damp hairline)
10. I have to cook - enough said. This could have its own chapter there is so much which could go wrong. Even when I get it right, general consensus is that the husband would have done better.
So I think we're ready for our fifteen minutes of fame.
The question is, are the viewing public?